I like to think of myself as a modern renaissance man, which is pretty much code for “I’m a huge nerd who loves sports, and those worlds are often at odds.” So when I saw an unboxing for the new Magic: The Gathering Secret Lair and feasted my eyes on “Touchdown!” I knew there had to be some investigation done.
“If this spell was cast from your hand and you have cast another spell called Touchdown! this game, you win the game. Otherwise, play Touchdown! in its owner’s library seventh from the top and you gain 7 life.”
“Landing!” is part of secret lair series of releases, which are redesigned MtG cards using art from various places. this time it is blood bowla football-themed skirmish miniatures game from Games Workshop, who are responsible for Warhammer.
This is new art and a new name for “Second Sun Approach”, which is a weird card to explain, but people love it because it’s an “alternate winning card”. That means instead of reducing an opponent’s life total to zero, you just have to fulfill the conditions on the card. Alternate winning cards are always popular, even if they are rarely that good.
For a while, there was a semi-popular deck called “Blue-White Approach,” which was a control deck designed to keep your opponent from casting spells while you could keep playing and eventually cast Second Sun Approach twice, thus winning. . It’s now relegated to older, timeless formats where it’s a niche card at best.
Still, now that it’s called “Touchdown!” es sports. More importantly, it states within MtG that two touchdowns automatically win the game.
Now, it would be really easy (and lazy) to just give you a list of the teams that gave up two touchdowns this season and voila, but I’m too picky for that. In my head, canon doesn’t just do “Touchdown!” it needs to be cast twice, but it can’t be countercast either, because we need “Touchdown!” back into the deck to be cast again, not into the graveyard.*
In football an interception is the equivalent of a counterspell. So I decided to see how many teams were throwing two touchdowns (throwing from the hand), not allowing an interception in the middle. This will tell us how many teams in 2022 would have lost to this. Magic: The Gathering card.
Every 2022 NFL team that would have lost to the Magic: The Gathering card “Touch!”
- Week 1: Denver Broncos, Arizona Cardinals, Las Vegas Raiders, New York Giants, Green Bay Packers, Philadelphia Eagles, Indianapolis Colts
- Week 2: Kansas City Chiefs, New York Jets, Washington Commanders, Indianapolis Colts, Miami Dolphins, Atlanta Falcons, Seattle Seahawks, Cincinnati Bengals, Arizona Cardinals, Chicago Bears, Tennessee Titans, Minnesota Vikings
- Week 3: Pittsburgh Steelers, Indianapolis Colts, Miami Dolphins, Minnesota Vikings, Baltimore Ravens, New York Jets, Las Vegas Raiders, Washington Commanders, Los Angeles Chargers, Arizona Cardinals, Seattle Seahawks, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, New York Giants
- Week 4: Miami Dolphins, Minnesota Vikings, Atlanta Falcons, Indianapolis Colts, Washington Commanders, Detroit Lions, Houston Texans, Chicago Bears, Jacksonville Jaguars, New York Jets, Buffalo Bills, Carolina Panthers, Green Bay Packers, Las Vegas Raiders, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Los angels rams
In total 29 different teams would have lost at least one game against Landing! this season. The only three teams that would not have lost at least one game are the Saints, Patriots and Browns.
The Colts are the only team in the NFL that would have lost every game this season if they had played the card instead of the football teams.
Ultimately, the undercard against the entire NFL would go 48-17, proving that a single Magic: The Gathering The spell is overwhelmingly powerful against professional soccer players. Thanks for your time.
*If you’re an MtG player, I don’t need you to be pedantic about the fact that Blue-White Approach ran 2-3 copies of the card for redundancy. Don’t try to use Stifle for my fun.